Hillbilly Rasputin

i recall
shipboard turkey
on the rolling
blue sea
knifing
through deep water
somewhere
between borneo &
the coast
of china

hillbilly lad
lost in
the big blue
world
standing
on the bow
on the front
end of
everything
life stretching
out like
the curve of
blue ahead
all those days
to live
miles
to cover
people to
slide past
in daylight
& darkness

now
on the stern
looking back
at all that
smokey expanse
behind
wondering at
the speed of
there to here
& what was it
all about
if not to
bring me
to this moment
of wonder

closing in on
six decades
of plying
land & water
find love
& hate & lust
& all
the things
lost & all the
new things found
to replace them

better
new things
than the crap
that fell into
time's
scrap heap

i'm an old
mad hillbilly
rasputin
with a heart
of gold
living out
my final days
here
less than
200 yards
from where i
was born

don't believe
it's heresy if
i say
i like being
older
i've only come
to understand
that lately

that age
is a blessing
in disguise

that age
takes away
the need for
pretense

the years grind
down the need
to impress
& if you find
true love
at this time
it is truer
than all that
came before
no matter what
you thought
of the other
at the time

you could
kick my ass
on a
parking lot
today
& i would
not be obliged
to cry
"sucker punch"
or make
excuses
for my failure
to respond
as I
once did
by wiping the
macadam with
you

at this point
i have
nothing left
to prove

you could
write a better
poem & doubtless
you will
& now all i
will say
is bravo bully
&
more power
to you
although the
vain & youthful
me
would have
felt envy
green with
jealousy in
years past

truth is
i'm right where
i want to
be & i
never expected
to be here

never thought
i'd live
long enough
to say i'd
found what
i need
in life
because my
endless search
never once
turned up
a trace
of it before

but i know now
that was
because i'd
closed my heart
shut down
the plumbing
inside

determined
that i would
go to the
great beyond
still wondering
what it was
that drew me
ever onward
sure that
i would never
know & to
the point
where
to know
didn't matter
anymore

i know now
i go on
i will go on
i cannot

be stopped
by death
the hole
or anything

i am eternal
fire

clutching what
i know
holding it

to heart


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